My heartless alarm went off at 8.40
Demanding that its time to get up for work.
My sleep deprived body however
Conveniently ignored the alarm and snoozed its way upto 9.20am.
Marched downstairs in pjs and house robe to the study
Seen my ‘co worker’ working away
Checked my emails; No children or families in crisis.
Time to go back up to shower and get ready.
Time for daily team check in on virtual video chat
Nope, not today, will tell everyone I’m sitting this one out.
As I realise its 11.10 and see none of my teammates online
I feel a lot relief and slight concern
I knew I wasnt the only one
I look ahead and see the vision board I cheerfully created 2 years ago
‘Its physically and mentally exhausting’
‘Make it happen’
‘Stop yourself from stopping yourself’
Tears start rolling down
Tears turn into sobs
My coworker turns back into co-partner mode
Logical as he comes, gets confused and asks ‘what’s wrong’
Whats wrong?I ask myself
You do feelings and emotions for a living
Help people verbalize trauma and complicated emotions
Yet have no explanation for your own random outburst of sadness?
I look as confused as my co-partner.
I’ve rested, cooked, baked, cleaned, garden-ed, read
All the stuff I wanted to do but couldn’t before
Why do I still feel Meh, not have an appetite or cant sleep at night?
‘That discomfort you feel is grief’
I see the title of an article sent to me
Grief that the world has changed
The loss of normalcy;Fear of economic toll; the loss of connection.
The collective grief in the air and the anticipatory grief.
This should make sense
But it doesnt
Nothing makes sense
Not the death of the 13 year Ismail Mohamed
Not the disconcerting words of my bedridden elderly neighbor
I know I’m not the only one