He suggested that we watch Martian and that I’d like it. I agreed, rather reluctantly. Whilst watching the movie, I asked him if he’d ever like to go to Mars. He said yes, to which I asked him ‘then why don’t you?. He said he’d need immense amount of training and knowledge to be able to go there, to which I asked him ‘why don’t you?’. He took his eyes off the screen, looked at me and said ‘I’m actually happy on earth’. I smiled and said ‘because you’ve got your alien here! ‘You’re more than an alien’
So, husband away for night shift, and I decide to be productive and get some work done.I put South Indian Musician A. R Rahman’s melodious songs on loads of work gets done whilst the south Indian in me deeply embraces the music. Then comes the song ‘Nila Kaaigarathu’. Out of nowhere, water works starts flowing and it wouldn’t stop. This is a song that my sister likes and used to sing all the time, much to my annoyance I’d like to add.
For me, she’s always been that annoying and naggy Anji, someone I make fun of relentlessly, someone I fight with and not talk to for days, someone who’s stubbornness could kill the world.We kept doing each other’s head in for the past 25 years I don’t know how time went by and suddenly, she is this strong, independent and an amazing woman who is about to someones wife in 7 months.
All my life, I never had any issues talking to anyone or making effort with anyone. Her Fiance, a lovely man who cannot be faulted for being in love with my sister had been a good friend till now. However, for the past couple of weeks, out of nowhere, I started feeling some resentment towards him and finding it difficult to talk to him. All I could think of if ‘he is Anji’s man, her husband-to-be, someone i’m going to share her with’. And I cant for the life of me get past my attachment issues with my sister and move forward which is very unlikely of me. May be its the fear that he is going to love her more that I love her, take care of her better than I did, protect her more than I ever could.
Its often easier for a friend to tell another friend how much they mean to them; a girlfriend to tell her boyfriend ‘thanks for having my back’; and for a wife to tell her husband ‘I’m so glad you are in my life and I wouldn’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have you in my life’. To tell all these to your family?, your sister?, that’s certainly not easy.
Anji is that person who has been there your whole life that you cannot ever express how grateful you are for her sharing her food with you, for being protective of us and wanting to beat people up when they treat us bad, for buying you clothes, for speaking up to people on behalf of you and for just being her. Words would never do any justice if I were to tell her how important she is to me or the kind of role she plays in my life. Instead, I choose what any other sane individual out there would choose and not say a word and continue to do her head in, effortlessly.
When she was born, I don’t remember how she looked like
Nor do I remember the first time I saw her,
or the first time I held her in my arms.
I do however remember the first word (or one of the first words) she said,
And how chubby she looked.
Living miles apart from each other,
She was a holiday treat for us older sisters.
She walked funny and talked funny
But then again, what was I to know, I was only 5
Fast forward three years, she came to live with us.
A crying baby who missed the grandmother who looked after her all those years.
Since then, she became my possession, a personal project.
And my little person.
Ammachi carried her everywhere and fed her things
I didn’t mind at all.
After school, we rushed home to see her playing in the front garden.
It was an unusual but soon becoming a pleasing sight for us older sisters.
Soon enough, she started going to school.
To our school.
A tiny body in a tiny cream blouse and a brown coloured frilled frock
With side parted hair and rather short fringe,
She was a fragile little thing lost in Carmel Academy’s school uniform.
Being always subjected to change, and having no one she can trust,
Every time she felt scared.
It was 4 pm, and I wasn’t done with my exam
I went up to my teacher to ask her permission to go out for 5 minutes
Luckily, she allowed
I got out of the exam hall to find her
And I did.
Waiting under the big mango tree, weeping.
She looked so weak and fragile,
The 8 year old me felt crumbled
And the sight never faded in my mind till this day.
Birthdays, anniversaries and other occassions, we celebrated them all.
Hide and seeks, House, and other myriad games, we played them all.
I grew up, Anji grew up, and she grew up with us.
Life kept on bringing us and her changes, a lot and lot of changes.
One of these changes left us in Belfast one fine morning.
She started going to the nearby primary school, St Josephs.
Mummy was so worried about her that she went to the school at lunch time to check up on her.
She’d already made her first friend, and apparently shared her lunch with her new friend?
Fast forward few years, She joined us in our high school
Again, side parted hair, with no fringe this time, thank goodness
In a grey jumper, tie, blazer, skirt and tights,
A nerdy little first year Indian kid I saw
Being a green blazer myself, a so called ‘cool’ 6th year,
I avoided her every time she walked past me with her friends
and enthusiastically waved at me.
Then one day, I hear her speak at the school assembly
About how Christmas used to be in India
And saw her holding up an umbrella for a short guy,
from my health and social care class.
Again, time kept moving forward.
And it took me to Scotland for Uni
And Anji to Liverpool
We came back home with plus ones.
Life hasn’t always been mild on her
It brought changes after changes into her life
But she didn’t crumble
The fragile girl with the awful side fringe kept toughening up
Without anyone else beside her.
And today, she stands as a strong, independent woman,
With a mind that does not waver easily, annoying for some, especially me.
A family that is well proud of her
A best friend who dots her
Brother in-laws who fight for her attention and approval.
All these years, all these events and all these changes,
Left her to become an amazing young adult
She is still my possession and my personal project.
And forever my little person.
Happy 21st baby
Before you know, it will be time to say good bye to 2016. How are the years flying, I still have no idea! Whilst every hour, every month and year is slipping away from your grip without your consent, I refused to believe that a part of me is leaving with time. Truth is though, whether I admit it or not, I’m getting old . So is everything and everyone else around me. We are changing, physically and emotionally, everyday.
My sisters have grown up and entering different phases in their lives;my parents are getting old even if i refuse to acknowledge any signs; my other-half is growing into a family man, my friends are getting married,having babies, getting separated or moving away; and my grand parents, well i’m just grateful for every extra day that they get to see!
Change is inevitable! And it scares me, like everyone else! Whilst I’m still stuck in the past, thinking of the ‘good-old’ times, time is moving forward and it is bringing in loads and loads of changes in everyone and everything. I’ve got two choices: a, be stuck in the past and be bitter about change; b, move forward with time.
I choose the latter, not with a lot of enthusiasm but with pain. I will move forward, taking my memories along with me and not losing track of the things that I were. I will also be reminded of the story of the eagle that transformed itself rather painfully when time plays it tricks on me.
I was set out on a mission to be productive, So I step away from my work and procrastinate by deleting emails our of my inbox, naturally. I come across some old emails from my sisters and husband and think to myself, there is a reason why I enjoy life so much. I have the best of the best in my life.
Hope you are doing well in work.. tough times, hard times , funny times … jus wanted to say i love you …. hope u r getting excited to move in to the new house … the girl who lived on her own and proved herself that she can be what ever she wants to be…. the one who can live with out any man cause women are strong , the one who found her prince and holding on to him, the one who is the oldest in the family but still the baby of the parents, the one who held her sisters closer even after heavy rains 🙂
the person who u r gonna be, the dreams u r gonna have, places to see , people to see 🙂
above all i love you .. may the music inspire you 🙂
was listening to this though u might like it
love Anji 🙂
From: AB Junior
Your penpal appu
Sent: 29 October 2014 21:23
To: “AB Junior
From: AB Junior
I like that you’re really weird
I like that I am your sister
I like that you are the oldest but you act like the youngest at times
I like that you’re so old school, like a granny
I like that you’re such a social media conscious person- deleting all your personal photos of instagram, who does that?
I like your style of writing in your blogs
Finally, I like that I love you
Eughh I think I am goin to be sick from the cheesiness overload.
Sent: 29 October 2014 21:51
To: AB junior
Sent: 29 October 2014 21:23
To: “AB senior”
I am in seemati now. I’m watching a father and mother buying their son clothes for his wedding. Somehow, I am smiling, because the mother reminds me of my own. She is strong, very very vocal, and just scolded her husband for the vastness and roundness of his belly.
But her love for the family, her attitude when she is sitting on the sofa pulling her rank and her double checking if she forgot something when they were leaving made me realise that marriages are born in heaven, but they live on earth. I guess that everything starts with puppy love after which we discover sincerity, honesty, beauty and faith in each other.
I know my flaws, and I know yours. I know that you accept yourself for who you are. I do too. For who you are, for what you do and for what you make me become. My idea of a marriage is us picking strawberries, fighting and making up, being different from each other and a million other things but together.
I will always love you
The wedding preparations are ongoing!
One day, I’m excited as hell about the wedding celebrations, the marriage life, the ‘always and always’s, the responsibilities etc.
Next day, I can’t be bothered with all the commotion and pain that comes with it. Too much hassle.
On the third day, I am scared as hell and unsure about spending THE REST OF MY LIFE with a man!!! I like my feministic approach to things. What if marrying a man kills my feministic spirits? Gee that’s a no no!
On the fourth day, I can’t believe I’m giving up ‘everything’ for marriage. Do I not want to travel? I definitely should’ve got a flat. Oh and that masters? Damn, I haven’t done everything I wanted to do before getting married. Because of course, it would be impossible to do all this once I’m married.
On the fifth day I like my ‘single’ stress free life and I like my mammy. I can never be the silly and immature daughter I’m just now. I can’t share dirty jokes with my sisters. Why? Because I’m going to be a..wait for it..WIFE!!
On the sixth day, is he the ‘right’ one? We seem to be fighting a lot. What if things are not going to be the same after we marry? Am I in a for a ‘trap’? Is he definitely my type? How can I test him to see that he will definitely stick around?
On the seventh day, God created woman, the most complex being on earth. Back to day one and the vicious cycle starts again.
I’m complex and a handful, I put my hand up. BUT, I am also someone who can appreciate things and not take things for granted. My veil made me realise that.
I ordered this veil online. It looked PERFECT on the website so it was perfect. The veil arrived and I opened it up with a lot of anticipation and excitement.
Thought it was going to be like a feather!. Its…. Its stiff. It’s way too rough. And too long. No. I don’t like it. It’s not ‘me’.
Its not ‘perfect’!
Tried to look at it again the next day and the next day and the next day. Nothing changed. So I do what every other girl would do. Went and ordered a ‘soft’ veil.
The ‘soft’ veil arrives. Way too short. Devastated. Why can’t anything work out in my favour?!
My best friend trips to help me out. She says I can wear her beautiful Kim Kardashian veil. Say what??? “but remember, its heavy with all the work. You have to wear what feels right for you’
Two weeks later, I pick up the tab again to order another one. I took the first veil out to compare the length with the second one. I hung them up on my door. I fixate on the first veil. Suddenly, a thought occurred to me. It’s kinda..perfect? Its long, like I always wanted it. It’s got simple but clean work on it, which is my type. And it is …me?.
Text to sisters: ‘changed my mind, I’m wearing the first veil’
Text from sister: ‘mmm..i thought the first one wasn’t good?’
Text to sister: think it just occurred to me that its perfect. Might change my mind though. Lol
Text from sister: but it was like a stiff net tho right?
Text to sister: kinda is. Watch out for a new blog entry.
Moral of the story: No veils are perfect, no matter what. If you merely ‘look’ at the veil, you merely find faults with the veil. It might scare you that this veil is not good enough for the big day. BUT if you ‘see’ the veil, you will see what’s good with it and what’s bad with it. If the good things help you forget the bad things about it, that means that’s your veil. Your perfect veil.
Long story short, I found my perfect veil!
(Gooddd life without analogies would be hard!)
She Is annoying
She is crazy
She is loud
She is opinionated
She is argumentative
She is impulsive
She is judgemental
And then I wave bye-bye
I look back at her and realise
She is supportive
She Is selfless
She works hard
She says, have faith
She shows not to lose hope
She is fearless
She Is confident
She is loyal
She teaches me,
To be myself and to believe in myself
She is the perfect definition of
An amazing woman
And an annoying mum.
Text from younger sister: “I did something that may cause you to be angry. I couldn’t resist it, the sound was ringing in my ears and alluring me to it. So I grabbed my money and put on my shoes and ran out of the house. There waited the tempter…so I exchanged the money while he gave me the …….ice cream”
Text to sister: “is this what I taught you to become??? What were you thinking? Did you think about me, dad, mum or —-(the other sisters name). What we done for you all these years was nothing to you?? I can’t believe you done that. I’m highly disappointed in you. I don’t think I can even look at you or call you my younger sister anymore. You ruined it all. All for an ice cream?!?!”
Life is all about having a bit of silliness and laugh. You will encounter things that will make you go ‘what the hell was that’ and then laugh out loud. Such was a moment when my younger sister texted me today. Unfortunately, silly moments like these don’t have a great life span. They pass by way too quickly. I do not want this moment to be forgotten or the texts to be lost in the inbox. Therefore, I’m posting these texts up here for others to go ‘what the hell’ and for me to reminiscence the moment later on in life when I’m scrolling down the page.
Been a while since I posted something here! Will start with a video then! A very beautiful one indeed! There are times when everyone is affected by darkness. Various kind of darkness! And it sure will be hard to see the things around, walk, feel, think or do anything that you want to. One will be so darn lost BUT after a while (in some cases a loooong while) there will appear a tiny little candle. The little candle’ will spread its light around and work wonders for us. This kid right here is that little candle for many one might say due to his innocence and his intelligence. I hope this child stays the same, not get affected by the evilness of this world when he grows up and continue to touch everyones heart
Past, present and future tenses…something we all were confused about when we were little. I didn’t understand it at all and when I did, I remember thinking it was a rather depressing idea to digest (I was a thinker from a young age!). You’ve lived in the past, living in the present, and live for the future that is the tomorrow. How can a child ever be OK with that? Never mind the child, how can an adult (in my case ‘ch-adult’) be OK with that? I didn’t ever want the today to be a yesterday and tomorrow to be a today because as my middle sister once reminded me… 27/02/2013 00:24 will never come back in your life again. And it was depressing for me to be adjusted to that thinking.
But tonight, as I sat around the dining table with a kopparberg and a glass of my poor version of rum-wine-cider “cocktail” and reminiscence those good old days with my beloved father, adorable mother and lovable sisters, I thought to myself that it is my past that has gifted me with brilliant childhood memories. As I read the lovely message my handsome fiancé sent me (for the 100th time!), I realise that it is the future that I look forward to with hope and anticipation. And this kind of realisation that is occurring to me currently is the present that I’ll be looking back with a smile on my face. It’s not too bad after all as long as you spend each and every minute of your life with the knowledge that it will be something that you will wish to get back to once that minute is away.
Life comes with a lot of pain, sufferings and surprises at different times. Embrace it and realise that the time you have now right now in front of you will never be back once its gone. Darn it 27/07/2013 00:34 will never be back man! Depressed.com Only kidding I’m not slurring!