Inspiration

Inspiration. An unusual guest to come by and knock on my door. I went to bed last night hoping and dreaming of a productive day today, and setting myself agendas. All plans were destroyed when I opened my eyes this morning at 09:53. I lied in bed for another half an hour scrolling through Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat over and over again. I hopelessly look up inspirational movies in the hope that some movie would get me going. Did not work. I type in ‘inspirational videos’ on youtube. Something comes up, I indulge in it for 3 minutes, some guy talking about setting himself a 5 million target and achieving it in 5 years. Inspirational. Well done him. But what I want now is to get out bed, something worth more than 5 million dollars. And thats when it hits me. The inspiration I’m seeking for all long is right here, lying in bed, looking for inspiration. Ironic.

I immediately get up, have some breakfast, get changed and get my cycle out. I go for 30 mins cycling in the near by scenic route.

On my way, I see an older couple on their walk, two young girls sitting on a bench who seem to be in a deep conversation, a family with 3 young children and a dog, a man on his walk. I look around, see the lake, the trees, the leaves that have fallen, and I think to myself: the inspiration I always look for does not lie within YouTube or any movies. That inspiration is me, in me. The inspiration that gets me out of bed, and gets me to see the real beauty of the nature and of human beings.

Seeing that inspiration, believing in that inspiration and choosing that inspiration is difficult. Extremely difficult. But I hope when I look up inspirational videos or movies next time, I think of this experience and choose to see and believe the inspiration that I have within me.

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The joys of a Girl with uterus

My better-half caught me whilst I was being sneaky about something on my phone. ‘What is it?’ he asked. ‘Nothing’, I promptly answered. He grew more and more suspicious which left me with no choice but to be honest about what I was doing. ‘Its a menstrual cycle tracker, and  I  er…was er…updating my er…mood today’. ‘What was your mood today?’ he curiously asked. ‘I er.. put it down as er.. sensitive’, I shyly mumbled. ‘Ahhh so I have to be careful then eh?’ he cheekily asked.

He also thought it was the best time to share his observation about how my motivational level fluctuates everyday; how I’m ready to take on the world one day and the next I’m ready to take on nothing but my bed. His motivational level however stays the same everyday (Annoying, I know!). I reluctantly agreed to what he said and added  that sometimes my body is very weak and I have low energy, especially near to my ‘special days’. I felt very sheepish when I used the good old ‘the-joy-of-being-a-girl-with-uterus’ phrase.

I analysed the problem here as I went to bed

  1. To experience the body changes and the mood swings that you have absolutely no control over
  2. Being ashamed of actually admitting it to people
  3. Being disappointed in not being productive and blaming yourself as being lazy.

..and I fell asleep.

This morning though, My alarm who does NOT have ANY sort of mood swings or low energy problems woke up at sharp at 8 and woke me up at sharp at. I cursed everything under the sky for waking up, my body feels like a wrecked train and my mind feels like its in a vegetative state. My morning thoughts included: ‘I shouldn’t have no dreams, I don’t need to achieve anything, I’m not ambitious, strong or passionate as I think I am. I should just binge-watch a corny tv series and finish the 4 packets of watsits and 3 bars of toblerone that’s in the kitchen. But its a looooong way from here. And here it begins,  ‘The joy of being a girl with uterus’

Approximately at about 8.40, I thought to myself ‘I aint no girl with a uterus,  I a woman’. A woman with uterus. A woman who can woman up even though her uterus is being a ‘beesh’ to her. So I downloaded a productivity app, added simple tasks such as drinking water, having tea, tidying up room, praying etc on it; every ticks I had acquired beside the simple tasks motivated me to pursue and achieve bigger tasks.

Long story short, I finished all those 4 packets of watsits and the toblerone that was in the kitchen, but I replaced them with an amazing chicken roast and a rather delicious banana loaf I made.

AND I got myself a big tick for writing this blog post.

Not bad at all for a girl sorry woman with uterus.

 

The seagulls and I

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Came out for a little run. It started raining after a while so I decided to sit in the car with ‘tea and toast’ on repeat. There were plenty of people here when I came here but now it’s just me and the seagulls. We are merely sitting here and contemplating life. The only difference between us now is that they are saying ‘me me me’ and I’m thinking ‘me me me’.

No one told me that no two apples are the same

Had an apple. It was the most heavenly thing I’ve tasted in my entire life. Twas finished in no seconds. Picked up another one expecting it to be the same. But, had to spit it out as it was the sourest thing I’ve ever tasted in my life. Disappointed, I picked up another one. It wasn’t the most heavenly one or the sourest one on earth,… it was just,, medium.

Now, I know life likes to give me important lessons through apples and all. But honestly, I just wanted the apples to be the same as the first one.

No one prepared me for this hardship in life!

The little candle

Been a while since I posted something here! Will start with a video then! A very beautiful one indeed! There are times when everyone is affected by darkness. Various kind of darkness! And it sure will be hard to see the things around, walk, feel, think or do anything that you want to. One will be so darn lost BUT after a while (in some cases a loooong while) there will appear a tiny little candle. The little candle’ will spread its light around and work wonders for us. This kid right here is that little candle for many one might say due to his innocence and his intelligence. I hope this child stays the same, not get affected by the evilness of this world when he grows up and continue to touch everyones heart

Annoying voice!

I’ve been ‘trying’ to change myself and not be overly lazy over the past couple of days(!). My attempts were successful when I made the effort to wake up before 9 am everyday (it’s a big deal for me man!) and getting around doing some things that were meant to be done.

I went to bed around 2-ish last night. When I went to bed, I said to myself that I’m going to have an easy day today and wake up late. However, at 7 am this morning, my mother knocked on my door to ask me if I wanted to drop her off at work. I said ‘no’ and turned to the other side. (My father was going to drop her off anyways). I was really tired as I didn’t get much sleep last night (hot weather!). My body, my mind and every bit in me was telling me not to get up and sleep some more. But something else in me told me to get up and drop my mother off. I don’t know what you call it, inner voice, good voice,,you know what,,,I’m going to call it the ‘annoying voice’. So I decided to listen to that annoying voice . I got up, got ready and dropped my mother off along with my father (who by the way constantly reminded me of my bad lane position (!))

The annoying voice got its way again when I listened and went to the nearby park for a run. After I was done with the run, shower and everything…I came up to my room and came across the ‘Marley and Me’ movie scene. I’ve never seen this. I had this urge to watch it. The domineering voice of annoying voice took over my desire to watch it. Instead, I took Paulo Coelho’s ‘Pilgrimage’ that I never managed to finish, went down to the conservatory and read it for an hour with a cup of tea in me hand (Bliss!)

I read a lot of things from ‘The Pilgrimage’. One of which coincidently was about listening to your inner voice. This made me reflect on my actions and thoughts from 7 am this morning. If I hadn’t listened to the annoying voice, I would have slept till 1, get up, loaf about, and before I know I will be back in my bed again for a good night sleep. I won’t have anything to be proud of,  anything to smile about, anything to feel good about. And then, all I could do is just sigh and say ‘what a waste day this was’. These things are the easiest thing for me to do. Going with the ‘flow’ and just doing whatever. I aint going to lie, listening to and obeying the annoying fragile voice will take a bit or a lot of effort. BUT, when you do listen to it…you’re going to feel awfully  proud about yourself and will be in a terrific mood no matter how darn tired you are! The annoying and impassive voice is now telling me to go draw something. I guess I have to do as I’m told. Annoying!

The annoying guest in house

I don’t know about anyone else, but we often get unwanted visitors in our house: the annoying little flies. They buzz around and around and around trying to find an escape. But they never do. And then, very annoyingly, you will have to get up from your way too comfortable seat and go open the door wide open for them. And now, the most annoying part,,,even when the doors and windows are wide open,,,the fly will go around and around and around looking for the escape again. It sure is lost but stupid as well at the same time. And it will take someone to get a newspaper, hairdryer, wooden spoon,,,whatever it is that is available there to use and shoo away the fly from the room. In a way, us humans are like that as well. We often get lost, whether it’s in life, career, or in relationship. Hundreds of doors or windows might be open for us. Instead of getting out through the doors into the big lovely world, we go around and around and around, being stuck and lost, being frantic with worry and not being able to see the doors or windows. Someone will have to come along and get something to shoo as away. But what if that fly never gets noticed by someone, or what if no doors are opened? Is it going to be stuck there and not get out thinking that there’s no escape? I say in that instance that fly has to be reminded of the saying ‘If there is a will, there is a way’ and look for the way out.